Wit and humour in politics

At the breakfast table, specifically Sundays, my father would narrate anecdotes from history, religion, politics, film world and a host of subjects, to me and all my siblings. A special session used to be about witty, dry, rousing, wise, electrifying parries, invective repartees, razor edged comments of politicians. His favourite was of course Churchillian wit.
Some fine examples of Churchill- The first woman to hold a seat in parliament, Lady Astor, once told him, 'If I was your wife, Winston, I would mix poison in your coffee.' Churchill retorted, 'if I were your husband, I would drink it.' There was never a pleasant moment between the playwright George Bernard Shaw and Churchill. When the former sent him two tickets with a note that said, 'come to my play and bring a friend if you have one.' Churchill sent a reply equally taunting, I am busy for the opening, but I will come the second night, if there is a second night.' As a young man in conversation with a friend about life, its philosophy and meaning, he remarked, 'we are all worms' and then hastened to add, 'but I do think I am a glow worm'.
For a politician to be capable to respond with comments dipped in vinegar, he ought to be well read and have some command over language. Looking at our own parliament, I am reminded of what GBS wrote many decades back, 'the politician who once had to learn to flatter Kings has now to learn how to fascinate, amuse, coax, humbug, frighten or otherwise strike the fancy of the electorates. At another place GBS says, 'he knows nothing and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.' Sadly our parliamentarians have neither the capacity nor ability to indulge in any meaningful debate that could be laced with wit and humour. The childish antics they all display in an outside the parliament, clearly do not indicate that any of them would have bothered to read anything substantive in ages.
In 1951, Bertrand Russell wrote, 'our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.' Our parliament could be a case in point. 'It would be a great reform in politics if wisdom could be made to spread as easily and as rapidly as fully'. (Churchill)
'if brevity is the soul of wit' (Shakespeare) then 'impropriety is the soul of wit' (Somerset Maughm). Wit is the tombstone of emotions. Unfortunately for us, after Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto, there has been no politician who could gracefully on the floor of the house be virulent, poisonous and scathing upon his opponents. He possessed the art of responding in kind to anything that was hurled at him. He possessed terse sarcasm.
Asghar Khan in his book, 'The lighter side of Power Game' has quoted the following incident. He says on a visit overseas he was invited to a luncheon given by the Pakistani Ambassador in honour of Dean Rusk, the then Secretary of State of the USA. Dean Rusk and the Ambassador sat opposite to Asghar Khan and the Assistant Secretary of State. For no reason, to amuse the Pakistanis seated on the table the Ambassador kept on making rude remarks in Urdu about Dean Rusk, while he was busy talking to others. When the lunch was to finish, the US Assistant Secretary of State said, Gentleman, before I leave, I should like to tell you a story.' He began and said many American served in India, during the war and had acquired knowledge of Hindustani. On a Sunday, two such GI's were window shopping in a remote town in US, when a third American passed by. This third American happened to have a very long nose. Wanting to comment, one of the GI's said to the second GI, 'dekho iska naak kitna lamba hai (look, what long nose he has). 'Would you believe it, 'said the Assistant Secretary, 'what the third American said upon hearing this remark, 'itna hi ho sakta hai jitna Khuda nay banaya ho. Is mai mera kya qusoor hai.' (It can only be as long as God has made it. It is no fault of mine) 'the moral of the story ', said the assistant secretary, 'is that you find people in the oddest places who speak your language. Thank you, Mr Ambassadors, for a very nice lunch.' I am certain the Ambassador must have remained crimson red in embarrassment for the rest of his career.
In the mid sixties, Rajgapola Chari along with Kamraj. The astute politician was giving a touch timeto Indira Gandhi, what later transpired into the Kamraj Plan. At the height of political tension, Mrs Gandhi decided to have a one-on-one meeting with the ageing former Governor General of India, Raj Gopala Chari, who then was heading his own Swatantra party. After the longish meeting, talking to the media, he was asked, 'how did you find, Mrs Gandhi' the wise acre politician responded, 'I first met Indira when she was nine years old and I say with confidence she hasn't changed!'. How intelligently he cut the P.M to size!
The two warring and fighting politicians of the 19th century who used to alternate being Prime Minister of Britain, William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli engaged in the most vitriolic exchange of comments about each other. Disraeli was asked, 'what would happen, if Gladstone were to drown in river Thames?' Without batting the eye-lid he retorted, 'if Gladstone were to drown in Thames. It would be a catastrophe; but if he were to be saved by someone, it would be a calamity.'
When M.K Gandhi arrived at the office in London to meet Winston Churchill, the latter's secretary announced, 'Sir the leader of Indian National Congress is here to meet you.' Churchill responded you mean the naked fakir from India! The secretary gathering some courage said, but sir, he is a very humble man. Winston true to his wit retorted, oh, yes, he has a lot to humble about!
In one of the episodes of the famous, 'Yes Prime Minister' TV show, the visitor who is being seen off at the door by the Prime Minister says in gratitude, 'it was a pleasure meeting you, Mr Prime Minister.' The PM says, 'I know; I know'. Humility and modesty outraged, but with decency.
James Ramsay MacDonald and Winston Churchill never got along well on the parliament floor. To mock his lack of political acumen, foresight and political fortitude, Winston Churchill, concocted the following tale: 'I remember when I was a child, being taken to the celebrated Barnum's circus which contained an exhibition of freaks and monstrosities but the exhibit on the programme which I most desired to see was the one described as the, 'the boneless wonder'. My parents judged that spectacle would be too revolting and demoralising for my youthful eyes and I have waited fifty years to see the 'Boneless Wonder' sitting on the treasury bench'. Listening to this one from my father, we were in peals of laughter! How fortunate we as a nation would be, if humour could become the lingua Franca of our otherwise dull, drab and parched lives. Wit is the salt of conversation and must be sprinkled timely in our daily chores. The sales of antidepressants and sleeping pills would take a nose dive. We must as a society learn to put to good use our chuckle muscles.
In handling grave situations, stir fry your arguments in Sichuanchili sauce with loads of dynamic potential Thai green chilies and then dip into blazing pickle bottle, before you hurl it across to your audience. They will enjoy. There are only three things against living in Pakistan: the place, the climate and the people. And if you insist on a fourth, it is readers like yourself!