PARTLY FACETIOUS: Rising food inflation

"As a matter of curiosity what steps are The Khan likely to take to control inflation?"

"First of all, as a producer of sugar and flour I want to express my reservations on the use of the word mafia. One mafia house never ever colludes with another mafia house, instead there may be a move to take over the rival's business as and when the opportunity arises, we, on the other hand work, together..."

"Don't be facetious, The Khan is going to get rid of you all!"

"How? By directing National Accountability Bureau to nab us on charges of drug trafficking ...oh wait...perhaps some of us will be charged with child molestation given the resolution in the national assembly for a death sentence to those convicted and..."

"A resolution is not law and besides if this resolution ever becomes law the European Union's GSP Plus status for us would go; and need I add we earn around $6 to $7 billion from GSP Plus status..."

"True, but you have to acknowledge that there are a plethora of cases whereby opposition members are being nabbed for crimes that we all reckon they committed though NAB is finding it difficult to make the charge stick..."

"That would remain a challenge if you don't investigate the person you nabbed."

"Ah yes, and that has fuelled speculation that a deal has been struck..."

"The Khan says..."

"The Khan is saying a lot when he cuts ribbons nearly every day, anyway inflation can be checked but he must understand that pays have not risen this year while the domestic and external rupee value is eroding, only the small numbers lucky enough to work for the government and who receive their salary from our tax rupees have seen a pay raise this year..."

"How come?"

"Productivity is down due to the high discount rate my friend, and private sector has been unable to give a pay raise this year, then there is the agreement to raise utility tariffs so there goes another chunk of the average Pakistanis pay check. Then there are higher taxes and..."

"The fault is Shabbar Zaidi's."

"Don't you understand the concept of a fall guy? The guys who signed off on the agreement agreeing to the unrealistic tax revenue target for the current year with the Fund are Sheikh and Baqir. And don't rely on Sheikh sahib he has done as much as he could - he has reduced the inflation rate..."

"How?"

"Pakistan Bureau of Statistics found out that wheat price isn't more than 47 rupee per..."

"Right, but that is wheat that is not for human consumption, it's used for the feed stock."

"Wheat is wheat you idiot."

"What's the solution?"

"Passing on the buck would mean district administrations are held accountable, and need I add Sheikh sahib probably leans towards this."

"Subsidies..."

"The Fund won't like that and then there is the matter of ensuring that the subsidies reach the poor and the vulnerable! The mafias...ooops, sorry the colluders are active even in Utility Stores."

"Yeah it's a tough call, but The Khan is an honest man."

"So was Brutus."