Come December. Come appraisals. The time to assess. The time to decide. The time to do. The time to hold “thee” conversation. You look at the calendar and say “Still some weeks to go”. You heave a quick sigh of relief. You gulp down the unpleasant feeling that was building up. You bury the dread. This feeling of dread is not uncommon. Many people find it hard to converse on topics that are “sensitive”.
This sensitivity may not be personal. This sensitivity may be taken personally. It becomes a clash of opinions. It becomes a clash of perceptions. It becomes a “clash”. The conversation that was supposed to take you to development and betterment ends up in bitterness, creating the circle of avoidance, lack of connect and lack of growth.
Do people dislike bad news? Do people reject being told their flaws? Do people live in self-delusion? Yes and No. Yes, because the mind’s eye does not want to see the bad, even if it has bad impact. It is known as the Ostrich Effect. People may avoid news about an impending economic crash, health check-ups, or exam results, feedback session with boss, etc.
This is so because ignorance provides temporary bliss, postponing the anxiety associated with the bad news. It is not just the receivers but also the givers of news who dread these conversations. The good manager feels his image will be affected if he is seen as this bad news messenger.
The messenger is evasive, the recepient is dodging it and the end result is a disaster. According to a study done by a workplace resource company called Bravely, 70 percent of employees are avoiding difficult conversations at work.
At the same time 53 percent of employees are handling “toxic” situations by ignoring them, which is resulting in declining employee engagement and organizational trust. This is a serious, serious, gap that has huge financial cost. Similarly, in personal life the lack of skill to carry out tough conversations is the main causes of relationhsip drifts. Siblings break off for life.
Children avoid being transparent with their parents. Parents find it frustrating when the children go their own way. The underline cause is the inability of people to take up matters that are delicate and important at the right time and in the right way. Whenever you need to have a challenging conversation, challenge your avoidance by addressing the following:
Challenge#1— trust quotient-conversations do not happen in a vacuum.
Conversations depend on the level of trust between the two conservationists. The challenge number one is to assess your trust quotient with the other person. If the level of trust is such that what you say may pinch but will still register in the other person, the conversation will be fruitful.
If that understanding is missing and instead of trust, suspicion exists, the best of crafted conversations will go waste. That is why do an unbiased trust balance analysis. If lacking, repair and restore trust through meaningful actions.
Meet people informally. Develop a person to person rapport first. Make them comfortable. Make yourself available. Over a period of time these small acts will create more approachability. Only then the talks will be meaningful.
Challenge#2-thoughful preparation— The second challenge is to go into a conversation with a well thought-through approach. Create a 4-question format. Answer the following-1. What is the end objective of the conversation. 2. What are the 2-3 facts to support your argument? 3. What likely objections will he or she have? 4. What commitments should we agree upon in the end? I have seen up close and front the difference between a proactive and reactive approach to tough conversations. In a company where conversations are just an annual ritual at the time of appraisal, the end of the year is a deadline that creates a knee-jerk talk ritual. The manager sat down, the employee stood tentatively.
The manager looked at his watch and started discussing his appraisal. The employee had his arms folded and was quiet. Then came the damning moment.
The rating and the increment. The employee burst out and the manager yelled back. Ugly but not uncommon. In contrast, in another company, the manager had done his or her homework.
The most important factor - this was not a one-off conversation. The manager had conducted regular one to ones with the employee. Thus when they sat down the conversation was an add-on to what had already transpired during the year. The prepared way was more calm, more composed and more conducive to moving forward rather than bringing the past 12 months’ uncleared air into account.
Challenge#3— firm, Factual and fair-Practice the 3 Fs. The leadership conversationists are divided into 4 categories. Category One comprises the Passive/ Aggressive who keep mum during the year only to burst out during the deadline time of having these conversations.
Category Two is the Sweet Spinners who are giving vague feedback as they do not want to be the fall guys. Category Three has the Optimist Applauders who over-do the encouragement part and fail to be practical commitment getters. Category 4 is about Positive Pragmatist who lays down the pros and cons factually of great results if correction takes place and dire consequences if the path is not changed. They get commitment and results.
Challenge#4— invovle, influence, improve-The biggest challenge is to get people engaged regularly in the process. That means leadership conversations have to be carried out in the coaching style. The coaching style is the way to involve people. There are many ways of doing that.
Some companies ask employees to fill up their own performance form too. It can be a very useful tool if the above three challenges have been dealt with. With trust there, facts agreed upon, the deviation between how the employee rates himself and the manger rates him becomes more negotiable and agreeable.
Leadership is all about conversing. Life is all about conversing. Conversations become the connecting point. Disconnect occurs when the conversations go wrong or stop happening. The most beautiful of sentiments tear people’s hearts if they are not properly expressed.
The most abrasive opinions, well expressed, relieve heartaches. The option of not conversing is not there.
The option of conversing and conversing with thoughtful preparation is the need of the hour. At least half the issues that take up majority of our time would not occur if conversations became better. As Thomas Leonard said, “All problems exist in the absence of a good conversation.”
Copyright Business Recorder, 2025
The writer is a columnist, consultant, coach, and an analyst and can be reached at [email protected]
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