Hurt, betrayed, stabbed, dumped, supported, shared and cared. These are some words that describe the health of a relationship. Relationships are what life is all about. They come in all forms and shades. Starting from family to romance and intimacy, from professional to social and from emotional to spiritual, relationships abound.
They are the core of our existence. In many ways the quality of our relationships will define the quality of our life. Just pick up a routine day. Record your conversations.
They are all about how you related with other people that day-your parents, your children, your boss, your team, your colleagues, your neighbours, your public servants and so on. If these interactions were healthy and positive, your day will end up making you feel good about yourself and life. If these interactions were negative you could end up having aches, pains and feeling wretched. That is why handling, managing, enabling relationship is the number one task in the job description of being human.
Our education system teaches us the most difficult academic subjects. It does not cover the most important of all, i.e., managing relationships. These are left to chance or life experiences. That is why they are such a toss of the coin. You may learn or you may not learn.
You may know or not know. You may be lucky or unlucky. Too much is left to chance. These days there are a lot of questions on Gen Z and their inability to get along with “others”? What about “others” and their inability to get along with Gen Z? It is a common problem.
The more people are different from you the more it is difficult to get along with them. The problem is that majority of people in life are going to be different from you. That is why it is important to learn to deal with these differences. We need to first find out why relationships become strained or toxic or breakup and then try to find some solutions for them.
Many studies quote the 8 Cs that act like cancers of a relationship. Stephen Covey says there are 5 emotional cancers that destroy relationships. These are Criticizing, Complaining, Competing, Comparing, Contending. Think of people who love indulging in these behaviours. Think about how you feel about them. Think about what people say about them. Think about their circle of friends or acquaintances. Think about their relationships. You will find a negative pattern. Now think about yourself and your important relationships. Are you critical and complaining? These are two emotional tumors that eat up love and bonding. Just like the people you avoid when they are in this mode, people will avoid you when you are in this mode. Relationships become distant.
Communication is distorted. Connectivity is irregular. All signs of a break-up happening and indicators of a deteriorating relationship. Similarly, thinking of someone who is always competing and in a mood to prove how better he or she is to you. This too will lead to a feeling of being belittled or degraded. This is a grave emotional sore that hurts all types of relationships even a parent/ child one.
Have you ever been compared with other people, your siblings, your friends, your cousins? Have you been told how they would be better in behaviour as compared to you? It is the most demoralizing and demotivating comparison. The message is that you are not good enough. This message makes the closest of relationships become distant.
Finally, do you have people in your home and office who always contend that they know better. This person is argumentative and wants to have the last laugh. Most people will feel sick of the company of such an opinionated person who refuses to let other arguments matter. Such people then become those “Oh here she/he goes again” type whom people want to shun whenever possible.
Firstly, are you suffering from one of the above emotional conditions? Secondly, do you find your relationships shrinking? Thirdly, are you justifying your inability to have a wider circle by commiserating with yourself by calling yourself a “misfit”? These answers will reveal what your present relationship quotient is. If you find this quotient low, try some of the below:
- Work on being the solution rather than the problem— As stated above to crib and complain is a virus that erodes a relationship. Instead of complaining start solving. Everybody wants the person who is a doer. Everybody depends on a person who can solve a problem.
Everybody feels comfortable where they know some good will happen. In the office, be that go-to-guy/gal. You may say that then people will take advantage of you. Not really, if you learn the skill of saying NO to a lot of irrelevant stuff coming your way, you will thrive. The skill is to be firm and friendly and lay down the boundaries. Once you do, you will find it easy to accommodate the relevant Yes ones.
- Spread positive energy— People may love gossip, and politics but that normally creates negative energy. Working as a professional, stick to work. Listen but do not comment on controversial stuff. Create hope in every conversation. Appreciate little things.
At home try to be the conflict resolver. Communicate even when things are going bad. If there are differences, and they are more of understanding each other, be the person who can make people feel comfortable to unwind and share. Try to make light of tough situations by some positive reinforcement techniques.
- Act with humility— Nothing destructs a relationship more than self-centeredness. Nothing destroys a relationship more than arrogance. If it is an important relationship and it is being damaged by two egos, try to make it one ego less. It takes iron will and steely patience to deal with such people but if you want the relationship to work, then take the initiative.
The initiative is to be quiet, be forgiving and be empathetic. All three will only work if you know that the other person simply wants to have his or her way. Let them have the way. Be true to yourself that you will not let your ego rule. Stop contending and score setting. Eventually, the other person will start relenting.
The most important part is that you must decide which relationships are worth investing into. Then build up your emotional bank account by depositing trust building behaviours like empathy, helpfulness, kindness and forgiveness. Without these investment deposits, emotional bankruptcy will be a writing on the wall.
Copyright Business Recorder, 2025
The writer is a columnist, consultant, coach, and an analyst and can be reached at [email protected]
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