Marriage and mental health

Needless to say that the concept of marriage is a contract between a man and a woman to live together for the rest of their lives, procreate and move forward. In the ancient times, there were no clear rules in terms of social obligations associated with marriage. With the advancement of time, social and then religious factors came in vogue. It then became a social, legal and religious ritual.
The choice of partner is based on a family selection, development of understanding or liking and last but not the least a 'love affair'. From a psychological perspective, it is practically impossible for two human beings to live together in complete harmony for ever. Periodic 'time outs' is essential in any relationship let alone 'marriage'. Of late, there is another form of marriage which is called 'marriage of convenience' which is evidencedby cousin or close relative marriages. A newly tagged marriagetype is called "Cosmetic Marriage" which the politicians do in order to uplift their personal and political image. This type of marriage is not necessarily attached with love, liking or understanding. Arranged or selected marriages are fast going out of fashion in the current era. The love marriages are not seen in their pure form these days as it is more infatuation rather than anything different. The type of 'love' described in 'Laila Majnoon, 'Shirin Farhad' and 'Romeo Juliet' sagas are in many ways 'obsessions' that could indicate the need for therapy.
The societies and cultures in different parts of the world including Pakistan have given colourful rituals to the wedding process. Overall, the process is a happy flow, what comes after is a major concern. A genius friend from medical school days who is now an accomplished surgeon in the United States once remarked "in order for the human race to survive, they have to get back to the ancient ways of living for example-living in caves". This statement was dismissed with a hearty laughter but interestingly scientists are now speaking about it.
When I was a trainee in UK and Ireland, it was generally taught to us that marriage is stressful life event that can easily trigger a mental illness if one is genetically vulnerable to it. I came across a number of couples who shared with me the fact that how miserable they were in that bond. I heard this several times "We are in this bond because of children, otherwise....". Numbers of people are approaching marriage counsellors for the difficulties they are facing in this bond. The western countries depict a different scenario by living a common-law relationship and not getting married in most instances. Separation and divorce rates are too high. With the current stressful environments over the globe and more particularly in Pakistan, people are developing low tolerance towards each other and the number of divorces is escalating.
A huge number of people are also reporting mental ill health as a result of the matrimonial bond.At one stage, scientists were advocating that marriage as a protective factor for men in terms of mental well-being but devastating for women if not in a stable relationship. There is much rethinking on the fact that men can also become vulnerable as a result of stressful relationship in such a bond. In old local movies, marriage was generally recommended in order to preserve the mental well-being but that was a very wrong advocacy. Every individual has a different personality make-up and hence the interpersonal relationship depends on threshold of coping, flexibility and level of tolerance. The personality traits carry a wide range of emotions that are sometimes pathological. Traits like 'self-love' or 'narcissism', suspiciousness or 'paranoia', anger/aggression, mood instability, sadism and psychopathy are some of the difficult traits that the spouse whether husband or wife will have to put up with and the root of conflict starts where there is a mismatch and zero tolerability. The solution lies in 'Personality testing' and 'Compatibility Determination'before embarking upon such a venture. This remains a wishful thinking as we do not have authentic data about sustainability of marriage in our country. Moreover, keeping in view the types of marriages and the dynamics of such processes, it seems ambitious to go ahead with 'Personality Testing' first before tying the nuptial knot. We do not have a regulatory body in our country who could issue a license to a prospective couples before they can officially and legally get wed locked. Floating the mere idea can cause a lot of uproar let alone putting this idea into practice.
Unhappy marriages lead to depressive illness, drug abuse, upsurge of physical illnesses and suicide. Ironically, separation and divorce further complicates the issue of mental health. Researchers have found higher rates of mental disorders among those who are separated or divorced. There is also an evidence for mental health morbidity among the children of those undergoing marital turmoil. Neglect of children, which can be psychologically more damaging than physical abuse, is twice as high among separated and divorced parents. It is a clear fact that compatible couples with happy marriages would enjoy a greater level of mental well-being and could contribute positively to the society. Their children do well in academics and become successful in climbing the social ladder towards progress. So, there are complications in marriage and further problems if a marital bond break downs. Would a single status be better? This is a complex question.
According to the experts, right age of marriage for men is 25-28 years and for women 18-22 years. Right age is also important because of growing concern over declining fertility time period both for men and women. For single women, after age 40, a number of psychological problems would creep in for the majority. The main problem is atypical depression that can have a lot of emotional, psychological and social complications. This also stands true for men who could resort to masked depression and substance abuse.
It appears that though marriage can be stressful but those who are compatible by luck or have great personality attributes can benefit a lot from the soothing and protective effects of this bond. Incompatible marriages by virtue of personality or environmental attributes whether the bond continues or breakdown can lead to psychological disaster. Remaining single however does not confer any immunity either.
The safe option is to address personality issues, increase tolerance, polish the good personal attributes and then enter into the 'Holy Matrimony' in order to live happily ever after.
(The writer is a Professor of Psychiatry at Memorial Universityof Newfoundland, Canada.)