Life kills. This may seem a contradiction but is true. The pressures of living sometimes make dying easier. The constant struggle of coping with ups and downs in life put huge stress on the mind that sometimes implodes and does things that are neither rational nor explainable. The traditional thought on life is that those who are constantly marginalized in the society, financially, racially, or religiously are more likely to be ready to give up their lives as their lifestyle and living conditions are a daily hell they want to escape. However, the latest splurge in suicides amongst the rich and the famous has made this logic questionable and made researchers dig for other reasons to live, and more importantly, live happily.
The recent suicide deaths of two celebrities within a space of a week has really set the debate of what matters most in life and why many people who apparently have so much still feel that dying is better than living.The shocking suicide deaths of celebrated designer Kate Spade and chef/writer and television personality Anthony Bourdain are really a moment of pause to understand how difficult it is to understand the complexity of brain and behavior. These were people who were successful in their business with apparently families who supported them.
The dangerous fact is that the traditional symptoms of an unhappy depressed person with a long face and somebody incapable of putting their mind to anything creative is no longer a signal of something brewing. Kate Spade was apparently a very lively and buoyant person. Anthony Bourdain was a very creative and fit individual. Both decided to hang themselves to death. That is the frightening part where perfectly normal and happy looking people suddenly decide to end it all.
Fame and glamour may seem very attractive but are themselves huge stressors on human mind and life. In United States in the last two decades suicides have gone up 25 percent. This is alarming considering that US is a super power and one of the best places for people to live and fulfill their dreams. However the modern day race for being the first, the best, the latest, the trendiest, the coolest, the hottest, the richest has put immense pressure on lives to measure up to expectations that may be too much to manage. The pressure on people like Kate Spade to always come up with the latest and the most innovative design is like an addiction that is difficult to overcome but that leaves a very bad hangover of being trapped on a non-stop treadmill. The stress for people like Anthony Bourdain to appear chirpy and happy and full of life may have just drained the life out of him.
It may seem strange but whenever you ask people what they want most in life, they say they want happiness. When you ask them what makes them happy they give you all sorts of answers and those answers are almost self-questioning. We know everybody has their own kicks and highs and everybody has their own sighs and sorrows but there are some fundamental truths about happiness that need to be understood and adopted to lead lives that are not just hopping from one achievement to the other with mindless frenzy but lead to more of a soul searching of what really matters to you.
In a landmark study by Harvard that lasted 80 years on what makes people happy some interesting observations and insights were gained.When scientists began tracking the health of 268 Harvard sophomores in 1938 during the Great Depression, they hoped the longitudinal study would reveal clues to leading healthy and happy lives. This study traced their lives over 8 decades. Over the years, researchers studied the participants' health trajectories and their broader lives, including their triumphs and failures in careers and marriage, and the findings have produced startling lessons.
When young people are asked what makes them happy they talk about growing careers, fame and money. With this aim they set goals and activate their lives accordingly. Many of these goals are achieved successfully. However, these don't bring lasting happiness as revealed in the Harvard study. Of course, healthy life styles make a big difference. Eating prudently, exercising and avoiding smoking and other addictions are all part of a good physical mechanism. However, the most telling factor for people who till the very end of their life were happier than others was the quality of their relationships.
Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives, the study revealed. Those ties protect people from life's discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes. That finding proved true across the board among both the Harvard men and the inner-city participants.
Loneliness kills. It is a social integration cancer that quickens the aging process and produces negativity that destroys joy. Even in the most bickering and bantering of marital life, if the basic feeling of having somebody to talk to, fight with and somebody to rely upon is there it is a big stress reliever. The quality of relationships in the office and in your friends is great social destressors. Similarly the post children growth period, when they are married or working away from you, your ability to find new social networks to fill the mental and emotional gaps are key to remaining happy.
Why famous people find it difficult to live happily is perhaps because they live amongst relationships that are not real. They have hordes of fans but very few friends. They have to live up to their image and other people's expectations and can never really let their hair down and relax truly just be themselves. There are many people who surround them personally and professionally but most of them are around just for the reflected glory of their name. In the end, most famous people are really lonely.
The lesson to learn is that invest in your relationships. Don't expect too much out of them. Treasure family interaction and expect things to go sour and difficult from time to time. Discover social circles aside from family and work and build them up as a source of diversity and rejuvenation. Involve yourself in social service and community projects that help you exercise your emotional energy and which benefit other people too. At the end of the day happiness is a two-way process. Any focus on just self will bring loneliness and more interest and effort to contribute to other people's happiness will eventually bring mutual care, respect and affection - the three most important needs of being human.
(The writer can be reached at andleeb.abbas1@gmail.com)