Andleeb AbbasThe ability to be ashamed is human. There is so much written on how when this feeling is numbed the difference between humans and animals disappears. As they say to err is human but to keep on erring is inhuman. To make mistakes and not learn from them is what is known as the greatest failing in most people who don't progress in life. However, many times we see history repeating itself in people behavior, family traditions and national attitudes. This repetitive unimproved behavior is due to a resistance to change; this resistance to change is due to either a denial of the need of change or a reluctance to go through the discomfort of adopting new behaviors. In this whole dilemma of change, the role of shame, the extent of its impact, and the way it is dealt with plays a major role of making us better or worse humans.
The recent incidents, local and international, have made it necessary to discuss this issue more. The unfortunate incidents of child sexual abuse firstly in Kasur and lately in Jaranwala have highlighted some terrible facts about how shame can be abused by brutal gangs to destroy children and deprive them of a normal life. Similarly, the ball tampering incident in Australia vs. South Africa Test match and the consequential outbursts of shame by the Australian players like Steve Smith, Cameron Bancroft and David Warner are examples of how this psychological state can affect the most insignificant and the mightiest of our society with the same potency. We must understand that shame is an emotion that needs to be understood, accepted and dealt with, or, if left un-understood or unaddressed can cause fatal damage.
Shame is often confused with guilt. Guilt can occur due to any negligence or willful wrong act and if people are ready to discuss it and seek some advice to correct it then it normally gets solved. Shame however is deeper and most people may be either avoiding thinking about it or are so conscious about its social stigma or retaliation that they mentally dodge it and hide it in themselves. This unexpressed part then remains unaddressed and causes mental and emotional scars and wounds that may manifest in behavioral disturbance or disorder, depending on how deep it is. Shame leads to doubts about oneself that can lead to lack of self-esteem, self-worth, leading to serious self-confidence issues. This state when ignored leads to resentment, severity and negativity. Sometimes it expresses itself in anger, and violent behavior and other times in withdrawal and depression. Shame is also contagious and can affect people around you.
The impact of remorse and shame has impact on the person's personality and in turn his or her relationships. The sexual abuse scandal lately in Jaranwala in Kasur where 384 children were abused and then videos were made is a psychological destruction of a devastating scale. These children were forced into acts that were recorded and then threatened not to talk about them or these videos will be made public. The combination of fear and shame make most of these children mentally unbalanced as their brain instead of growing and thinking creatively is beset with the terror of being shamed by families and friends. Since these children belong to poor households, even after discovery no long-term professional treatment is available to control the damage. The most likelihood consequence is that they will grow up to be sexual abusers too, thus promoting more mental sickness in the society.
For the more exposed individuals as the case is with the Australian cricketers caught in ball tampering, the mental treatment may be available but the social consequences may be too difficult to bear as public figures are minutely dissected for news. Steve Smith in his admission press conference broke down and mentioned how he felt terrible about bringing this shame on his parents. David Warner talked about protecting his wife and daughters from the constant mocking and trolling from the public. In cases of public figures the interest doesn't fade away and the media relives and replays these incidences long after its occurrence. Trevor Chappell the younger brother of the famous cricketers Ian and Greg Chappell still blames the incident of underarm bowling that made him a victim of public outrage. The incident happened in 1981, 37 years ago, against New Zealand where New Zealand needed 6 runs to win on the last ball of the match and Greg Chappell asked Trevor to bowl an underarm delivery to prevent them from scoring. Australia won the match but lost the respect. Trevor Chapal and his wife faced so much scorn that they divorced and he could not marry again and have a family. Shame is an emotional cancer which if untreated can kill relationships, careers, growth and life itself. To deal with shame here are some basic tips:
- Acknowledge and talk: Shame is like a tumor that if hidden will grow till it destroys all healthy parts too. Thus make people acknowledge and own up to it and let them talk about it to someone trusted till it becomes less abnormal. The minute someone says it has happened to you but it does happen to others and lets move on the burden of guilt lessens.
- Don't let the incident judge you: We all make mistakes and we all get into ugly situations where we do stuff we never thought we would do. The idea is not to attach the incident to define your whole character and life, no matter how bad it is. Separate the event from your life and see how minor it is compared to all the other normal things you have done. Value your whole being not just the flaw in the being.
- Form social connections: Shame makes us withdraw and avoid. Make sure this distance is reduced. Join therapy sessions where people talk about their past secrets, to find it is part of being human. The more support networks are established in the form of friends, family, colleagues etc the quicker the healing.
Remember forgiveness is not just a big virtue but a big anti-toxic agent. The ability to forgive yourself and forgive others is the best way to cleanse feelings of guilt, remorse, regret, envy and grudges. It is only when we truly forgive that we can forget and it is only when we forget that we stop living in the past and start moving on towards the future.
(The writer can be reached at andleeb.abbas1@gmail.com)