Uneasy. Uncomfort able. Reluctant. Avoiding. Fretting. Nervous. Anxious. These are some sentiments of people who are socially awkward. Social awkwardness means being uncomfortable and feeling out of place in social situations. This may result in creating unwanted social interaction reactions.
The people you need to relate with, seem to be disconnected to you leading to unintended consequences. Does this affect you personally and professionally? Yes. Is this rare? No.
Most research says that one in four people has some degree of social difficulty. It may range from avoidance to anxiety. Do not mix this up with feeling shy as shyness is more of an initial duration of knowing the person or situation better. Social awkwardness can be from fearful presence in a setting with tension building up of how and what to say to somebody. This may lead to silence, fidgeting, embarrassing laughter or recoiling all together.
Having social interaction difficulty is not something you can ignore. Life is about social interconnectedness. Humans without other human connections are lifeless. To put life in our living we need to belong. We need to be connected. We need to understand. We need to be understood. We need to learn. We need to unlearn.
All this is largely dependent on how we relate to others.
When we connect and relate better, all the above are facilitated. When we cannot, we are limited. The most important skills both at home and in the office are interpersonal skills. Socially awkward people will have limited friends. They may be perceived as snobbish and snooty.
In the workplace, they may be considered as misfits and not ready for higher positions that require working with different teams and stakeholders. This may lead to personal and professional isolation that is the root cause of depression and anxiety disorders. Now the good news.
Can social awkwardness be dealt with? Absolutely. When we talk about people who are socially comfortable we normally hear things like “What a nice friendly person”, “Such a pleasure to talk to her or him”, “How charming”. That is what needs to be aimed at. A charming person is friendly, so comfortable to be with and has a positive aura. That is why people who need to get over the hesitancy and reluctance of connecting to people need to work on their CQ that is Charm Quotient. CQ development means working on some important POCs, i.e., Points of Connectivity. Some very simple and practical POCs are:
POC#1— You listen truly and try genuinely to understand— The image of a charming person being a great conversationalist who mesmerizes people with his communication is a myth. Socially awkward people are not good at talking but can be great listeners. This one quality can be your best connectivity behaviour. Listening also needs the ability to give the vibe of being wholly there for the other person. That means you need to work on empathic communication.
The ability to stop listening for the sake of listening and listening for the sake of understanding. That means the body language needs to be focused. The eyes cannot dart around when the other person is talking. The posture needs to convey a polite bend towards the talker. The mindset of not waiting for your turn to talk but waiting for the person to fully relate what he or she wants to convey. Bill Clinton was the most attentive and concerned listener as a President and that is why he was considered charming.
POC#2— You greet and ask good questions— To break the ice, master and learn the nice openers. Ask questions that are not pressing and pointed. You may meet somebody you met before but just say “wonderful to meet you, how was your week?” Let the other person talk. Be a loud listener, affirming wherever needed, saying “I totally understand” if the other person is talking about some situation or the other.
Everybody loves being heard. Everybody loves being understood. People do not necessarily want a response, they want a mental shoulder to download their story. Think of how a therapist behaves. He or she just listens with complete focus on understanding. That is why people pay a lot to have an ear that is just open for them.
POC#3— You express vulnerability with a balance— Charming people are easy to be with. They do not appear to be too high or too low but just warm and welcoming. When appropriate you can tell them how you have also struggled with an issue, but in a more matter of fact and humorous way if possible. Do not go overboard in a victim mode. Just by saying “I can totally understand as I have made some goof ups lately”. This will bring people closer.
POC#4— You show genuine interest in their interests— Always be soft and polite in greetings especially if you can call with their name. The normal mindset is to impress others to make connections, in fact you must be impressed with something in them to make connections. That is why look into what their interests are. Ask about them. It is sure to make them animated. If done with genuine curiosity, you will soon be a person who people want to meet, call and connect.
POC#5— You appreciate and celebrate people’s success— Another POC (point of connection) is to look out for any celebratory point in their life. A kid gets admission. A new dish they have made. A recent job change. A tournament they have participated in. A nice new accessory they are wearing. Do not mix it up with flattery. Flattery is fake and not natural. This is something that is genuine and deserving. It is a warm up for a relationship to get going.
Socially awkward behavior can be changed, but like most things it depends on changing our own mindset. If the set mind is set on teaching itself that “I am going to look stupid” or “I will have a panic attack”, that is exactly what will happen. What you need to do is to rehearse the ice breakers and try them on an easy acquaintance.
Once it works with them, it will build up your confidence for further trial. It is this internal misalignment that is the first battle. Once the courage starts to seep in, change follows. The crux is to work on making others feel good when you are around-that then is charm. As Kathleen Windsor says, “Charm is the ability to make someone else think that both of you are so wonderful”.
Copyright Business Recorder, 2025
The writer is a columnist, consultant, coach, and an analyst and can be reached at andleeb.abbas1@gmail.com