SOUND OF SHARPENING PENCILS: Opening film "Grace of Monaco" starring Nicole Kidman so appalled critics it appears to have given new meaning to the phrase "critical mauling", with writers straining to find ever more vivid metaphors to convey their disdain.
"A fleet of ambulances may have to be stationed outside the Palais to take the tuxed audiences to hospital afterwards to have their toes uncurled under general anaesthetic," wrote Peter Bradshaw of The Guardian.
"(It) is like a 104-minute Chanel ad... (with) Princess Grace wafting around the Palace with dewy-eyed features and slightly parted lips which make her look like a grown-up Bambi after a couple of cocktails, suddenly remembering his mother's violent death in the forest," he added.
Robbie Collins of the Telegraph described the scene at the press screening.
"Even by the end of the first scene (journalists) had started curling up like startled armadillos, into tight little balls of embarrassment," he wrote.
"Later as the house lights came up, I watched a team of the festival's beige-suited stewards hurriedly roll them out of the auditorium, like the barrel-trundling villagers in Whisky Galore," he added.
For Kate Muir of The Times, the film was "not so much a turkey as a dodo".
"Grace of Monaco never takes flight and extinction is probably the best course for it," she wrote.
Entertainment industry daily Variety called it a "cornball melodrama" and lost cause.
"Handsomely produced but as dramatically inert as star Nicole Kidman's frigid cheek muscles, (director Olivier) Dahan's strained bid to recapture the critical and commercial success of his smash Edith Piaf biopic is the sort of misbegotten venture no amount of clever re-editing could hope to improve," wrote Scott Foundas.
LOBSTER, CAVIAR... AND BORDER GUARDS: Their movie may have been savaged by critics, but the cast of "Grace of Monaco" was able to take some solace in a sumptuous lobster, caviar and champagne-fuelled banquet.
Nicole Kidman shared a quick word with jury president Jane Campion, while fellow jury member Sofia Coppola and "Drive" director Nicolas Winding Refn chatted over a glass of Mouton Rothschild, one of the world's most prestigious wine labels.
French actress Carole Bouquet, wearing an embroidered pink and white dress, dined on blue lobster sprinkled with caviar at a table decorated with fresh roses, not far from British actor Tim Roth, Jane Fonda and Chinese star Zhang Ziyi.
As if that was not enough, the stars then made their way to an extravagant "Grace of Monaco" themed party.
Kidman and Roth were treated like royalty, escorted to the party by French police before being welcomed by fake customs officials, passing the "border" into the partyland of Monaco.
Inside, the mythical studio 5 in Hollywood where some of Grace Kelly's films were shot was recreated for the 800 happy few with invitations to dance the night away to the sounds of French celebrity DJ Cut Killer.
GRUNTING FOR HIS ART: British character actor Timothy Spall didn't just learn to paint for his role as Romantic landscape painter JMW Turner. He also learned to grunt.
In Mike Leigh's biopic, Turner is an eccentric of few words, preferring to communicate much of the time through guttural noises, a fact that Spall put down to his trouble putting his racing thoughts into words.
"He's got this burning, this burning thing inside him. So rather than say it, it's just (three grunts)," the "Harry Potter" actor told reporters.
Spall, who also played Winston Churchill in "The King's Speech", joked that it wasn't only his painting and grunting skills that made him perfect for the part.
"The great thing is that what made us a perfect match, apart from anything, is that he was a funny-looking fat little man and so am I," he said with a laugh.
"To me what makes the film so wonderful is that it's about how genius is not always in the most romantic of packages. Most geniuses are strange, they do have conflict... they are often odd-looking sociopaths."
A-LIST DOPPELGANGER: German model and actress Nadja Auermann, a long-time admirer of Princess Grace, took the chance to emulate her style heroine on the red carpet at Wednesday's opening ceremony.
Looking like a dead ringer for the Hollywood star who married a prince, Auermann wore a flower-print Dolce & Gabbana bustier gown and diamond necklace from Montblanc's "Princesse Grace de Monaco" collection.
"I am a huge admirer of Grace Kelly, and I also lived in Monaco for a long time, on Princess Grace Park, where there is a Japanese Garden. To me she is a goddess," she was quoted as saying by Women's Wear Daily.
US actress Blake Lively said she was also a fan and hinted that sartorial standards had slipped a bit since Grace's day.
"If I think of Grace Kelly, I just think of her with, like, you know, a beautiful head scarf on. I think that she did ultraglamour incredibly well, but she also did that understated sophistication in a way that nobody has really nailed in quite the same way since," she said on the red carpet.
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